A Plea to the Gods

Dear Game 6 Gods that crushed the little hearts of Texas Rangers fans everywhere for no good reason, please please please descend upon Oklahoma City and crush the hearts and spirits of these little cocksucking douchebag Thunder fans along with their arrogant cocky team. Please please please!!!! These fans are way more deserving of such heartbreak than the Rangers fan ever was. Game 6 Gods, are you not just?? If you allow these fans this accomplishment it shall be marked in stone that you, Game 6 Gods, are not just, and therefore not worthy to be called gods…. Game 6 these mother fuckers San Antonio!!!!!!

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A Mexican Standoff For Sex

Good-bad-ugly

So I have come to the conclusion that my life is basically a Mexican standoff of sorts when it comes to sex. With the three gunfighters in this scenario being The Wife, The Son and Little Fuzzy Otss. Except for the occasionally rare weekday sex, the majority of the sexual activity in the house is on the weekend. And that window is narrowed down to just a few hours on Friday and Saturday nights. I’m not saying Little Fuzzy Otss never gets to come out and play during daylight hours, but for the most part, that is the way it goes down. Anyone with kids I’m sure understands this struggle. Now The Wife is generally ready for action at the drop of hat, which is awesome, but she also tends to fall asleep early. Especially if she’s been hitting the wine.  Which is another conundrum… Because when she is drinking wine she tends to get extra frisky, and that is when the REALLY fun stuff happens. Continue reading

Confession

Ok. I have a confession to make. This is going to be difficult for me, but I am going to try as hard as I can to make it through. I know this may come as a shock for my friends and family, and it might be difficult to deal with and hard to believe, but I feel like it must be done, and this is the appropriate time. Whew… this is tough….OK…Deep Breath…. alright here goes…. I love the movie Pitch Perfect and I have to stop down and watch it every time I see it on tv and I can’t wait for Pitch Perfect 2 to come out and I’m counting down the days until May 15th when it premiers and I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore… Ok, there it is. I feel much better now.

5 Reasons Richard Sherman Is Better Than You

I love Richard Sherman! Mainly because of #2 on this list.

nihilisticle

I love Richard Sherman, and you probably either agree wholeheartedly or disagree violently. Like Hillary Clinton, Lena Dunham, and virtually any other woman who has ever expressed an opinion outside the confines of a well-hidden diary, Sherman is a polarizing figure.

It’s a given that if you’re a Seattle Seahawks fan, you kiss a picture of #25 before you go to bed every night. If you root for another team in the NFC West (or really, any other NFC team) — yeah, you’re probably less enthusiastic.

As for me, I’m a Bengals fan, and the only high-stakes game they’d ever play against the Seahawks would be the Super Bowl … which means I probably don’t have much to worry about. So, with no rivalry concerns, I’m free to appreciate Sherman for his incredible athleticism and skill, as well as the fact that he’s one of the few NFL superstars with…

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My Late New Year’s Resolution

I’ve had a rather strong urge to learn Spanish lately. There are several reasons why I should. I live in Texas where half the population speaks Spanish, plus my son is in a dual language program at his school, which is supposed to make him fluent in Spanish by the 6th grade. So learning Spanish would allow me to help him with his homework when that time comes (also I can’t allow him to talk about me in a language I don’t understand). But the straw that broke the camel’s back, the one thing that has sent me over the edge, is TELEMUNDO!!! I was flipping the channels on the TV the other day and stumbled across the greatest thing ever…Telemundo! I have no idea what I was watching, but it was AWESOME!!! Lots of hot scantily dressed buxom Latina women dancing around on stage, guys stripping down to their boxer shorts, hot scantily dressed buxom Latina women dancing on stage, lots of laughter, and scantily dressed hot buxom Latina women dancing around on stage. It was pure chaos! I’m pretty sure I was watching the Mexican version of The Dating Game, and it blew the American version out of the water!! And I couldn’t even understand what they were saying!! Then I realized if I knew Spanish, this would be even MORE awesome!! So after that epiphany, I have declared to learn Spanish by the end of the year. This is my almost a month late New Years Resolution! It also made me realize how our world really is devolving into the world depicted in Idiocracy. But if that really is the case, I’m going to lead the charge! I will be President Camacho one day!!!

What is that, a Titleist?

A recent conversation about poetry reminded me that I once wrote a poem about golf. It was declared by some, as the single greatest golf poem ever written. And by some I mean no one. However, lots of people did tell me it was really good and I should try to get it published. At the time, I thought it was the single greatest golf poem ever written, but like many of my other literary musings, what I once thought was greatness upon completion, I am only disappointed days, weeks or months later when I re-read it and realize it might actually suck. But in the event I did write the single greatest golf poem ever, I felt I would be doing the golfing, poetry, and blogging world an injustice by not releasing it for all the world to enjoy. So without further ado, here is what might be, the single greatest golf poem ever written: Continue reading

An argument I almost won

Quick words of advice for all of you young lads out there. Never ever ever tell your wife  “calm your tits!” It will not go over well. It will not go over well at all. Even if you are in the right. Even if you didn’t say what she thought you said. Even if she blows up at you for no reason because of what she thought she heard you say. Under no circumstances should you ever ever tell your wife those three little words. Especially after you informed her of what you actually said, which kind of makes her look foolish for blowing up in the first place. Especially when she realizes she is acting foolish and about to concede. Never ever tell your wife “calm your tits!” Because, trust me on this, her tits will not be calm! Not calm at ALL!!

This, That and the Other

So, a quick thought before Christmas… I was sitting in my recliner the other day and decided I would use my phone to do a quick search on some irrelevant topic (group picture of strippers), and one slightly misspelled word later (everything was spelled correctly) I was bombarded with pictures of boobs!! Not that I’m complaining at being subjected to countless photos of magnificent boobs of all sizes mind you, it just made me think how easy kids have it these days. Back in my day, I had to wait for my parents to leave the house in order to sneak into their room and snag one of my Dad’s Playboys from under the bed. And if I was really lucky, there might even be a Penthouse or Hustler mixed in as well!! Continue reading